“Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.” ~ Mark Twain
“I learned to be with myself more rather than avoiding myself with limiting habits; I started to be aware of my feelings more, rather than numb them.” ~Judith Wright
“We cannot, in a moment, get rid of the habits of a lifetime.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi
“Whenever you take a step forward, you are bound to disturb something.”
~Indira Gandhi
Dear friends,
Last month I met a grandmother from Tanzania who was visiting my neighbor. It was Mama Alice’s first time in the US, and she was curious and discomforted noticing that families live separately, with only two or four people and some with only one inhabitant, in big houses. The day before she left for the U.S., she had lunch with all her 500 friends after church. These are 500 living, breathing individuals, not Facebook friends. Mama Alice asked why do all these Americans live alone and how do people take care of each other? My answer was that this is a nation of individualism and our culture values independence, achievement, wealth, and power above caring for each other. The painful side of our focus on the individual above the collective is that we are one of the loneliest and most isolated societies in the history of the world.
One of the greatest ills in our technological society is the disease of loneliness. A study from Dublin Ireland interviewed 1,299 elderly participants and found that 70% of those interviewed were lonely, hopeless and depressed. Differing surveys report, levels of 42% to 70% of the Americans population feels alone. The risks of loneliness are especially prevalent among older adults and…young people. Loneliness does physical and mental damage, in fact, research demonstrates that the effects of loneliness increase the risk of heart attack by 29%. Being lonely is associated with a weakened immune system, heart disease, lowered happiness, increased risk for type two diabetes, and depression.
Loneliness is something that all beings feel. It is often associated with shame since if we are lonely, it means that somehow, we aren’t unlovable or aren’t interesting enough to warrant social connection. When we are lonely, we’re right back in middle-school, picked last for the team, having to sit alone at lunch, or being the one not invited to parties—no valentines on our desk. It is a deeply painful experience and the element of shame inherent in loneliness can quickly remove our sense of agency, the belief that our actions and intentions matter. Despair is the greatest predictor of depression and loneliness and shame are perfect catalysts for depression. As we know in depression, we cannot see a way out and we may become sunk and helpless due to these contributing factors.
On the night the Buddha became enlightened he was able to discern the system of Dependent Origination or the teaching that this happens because that happens. All things rest on each other. Our conditioning, our habits, the karma from our past life and the last minute are all creating this present moment. The Buddha pointed to contact as the cause for the pleasant, neutral, or unpleasant feelings. If we encounter disappointment and isolation during our day, our friend cancels on us, someone doesn’t call back, we may start to feel alone, helpless, or abandoned. Our emotions and moods lead us to behaviors, some of these move us in the direction of happiness and wellbeing, and some of our reactions triggered by circumstance, lead to painful adaptations and protective habits that do not serve us and do not lead to happiness. We enact our habits of surfing the web, numbing out by watching TV, shopping, eating when we aren’t hungry, falling into depression, sobbing—and we become what we think and do. When we grab hold of these feelings and blend with them—we become something or someone. We take birth as a depressed person, a lonely person, a rejected or abandoned person instead of a person having an experience of loneliness, or the experience of suffering.
A teaching that comes from the fifth Century Buddhist teacher Vasubandhu is that all suffering comes from supporting causes. This pain of suffering seems like something negative, but when we see it with Right View, it becomes the catalyst for essential growth. It is this ability to see what causes pain, and the ability to move away from the choices we make that cause more pain, that creates the path to happiness. This is the essential teaching of the Buddha who said, I teach only suffering and the end of suffering.
The teaching of the Buddha offers us enough space to look deeply and compassionately at our habits and actions that lead to happy or unhappy destinations. The primary teaching is “Stress should be known. The cause by which stress comes into play should be known. The diversity in stress should be known. The result of stress should be known. The cessation of stress should be known. The path of practice for the cessation of stress should be known” (AN 6.63 PTS: Nibbedhika Sutta: Penetrative. Trans Thanissaro Bhikkhu,1997). The causes of stress or afflictive emotions comes through sense contact–what we see, hear, smell, taste, touch, and think. When we follow our day and attend to what we have contacted in our thoughts, our visual and auditory exposure, even what we eat and wear on our bodies, we can trace the roots of our suffering and discomfort. It takes Right View for us to be able to see how these contacts contribute to the stirring of emotions or thought patterns.
When we encounter our suffering, especially our loneliness, we may find it threatens to swallow us and triggers us to once again do the things that lead to more pain. But even knowing that we are suffering and seeing suffering as suffering is a source of celebration. The part of us that knows we are lonely is not lonely. The part of us that discerns what leads to happiness and unhappiness is not helpless, not unhappy. When we are able to know that this too is suffering, we are already on the path to happiness. When we recognize that our habits are ways we try to soothe and care for these emotions, we can recognize choice. We do not have to do what we have always done and take birth as the Netflix binge-watcher, or a secret eater. We can notice that we are having an experience of loneliness and move towards creating conditions that support connection, belonging, and welcome in our lives. Even when we get stuck or forget and repeat our same patterns, knowing that our actions are leading to suffering is the beginning of wisdom.
May we all trust our light,
Celia
I am offering a class in Litchfield, CT at Wisdom House Retreat Center in October focusing on the teaching of Equanimity and how it can support us during caregiving. There’s also a restorative weekend retreat at the beginning of November. For more information, please click on the links.
https://www.wisdomhouse.org/program-calendar/2019/10/5/equanimity-and-buddhist-wisdom-for-caregivers
