It is grey and cloudy but the bulbs are pushing out of the earth with green fingers of leaves. This temperature holds excitement, not fear. I love this shift, after the winter that feels unending and the grey flatness, there’s a renewed confidence that things will change.

I choose a word each new year and this year, the word is confidence. It also means trust…and it is the first of the Five Spiritual Power’s in Buddhism. It is trust in yourself, confidence that you have the potential to be awakened…and for me, it is an ability to let go of perfection and worry because no matter what, I am my own cheerleader.

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I didn’t have someone to encourage me when I was young. Instead, there were people who trained me to doubt myself so that I would care about what others thought of me. This made me feel anxious and unsure because there was always someone judging me, keeping track of everything I did, or didn’t do.

In middle school, I was amazed at my adaptability and chameleon-quality. I would morph to be acceptable for whoever I was speaking to. So when I was with the smart kids, I could be smart, and when I was with the nerdy-drama club kids, that’s who I was, and a stoner with the stoner kids. I lost touch with what was important to me, with what was ok for me. I needed to belong to be safe. I lived on the shaky surface of other people’s approval.

Teens put their attachment into peer relationships. It’s natural and understandable. But what happens if I stay caught in that bind? And to make it all more complicated, all those around me need to be ok for me to be solid and well. I have earned a PhD in vigilance in my life, and can track the barely there look of blame or the inflection of judgment in a voice. This affected my experience with religion, education, work, and relationships. Besides, it’s exhausting and impossible to control someone else’s opinion.

As I trained to keep coming home to myself, I imagined my younger self, sensitive and easily hurt by criticism. Did that child really need more doubt and shame?

This isn’t what I was taught. I was taught to be aware of other’s needs and feelings and to do my best to not upset them. To be what they wanted me to be. So how to shift into taking back our own power to be ok in this changeable world?

Belief in Good Enough: For me, I recognized the link between doubt and anxiety. I learned about a study that demonstrated an increase of stress hormones and anxiety in the body during uncertainty, and a decrease when there’s the ability to make sense of experience. And here’s the kicker, it doesn’t matter if it was true or right. Yup. The brain doesn’t know the difference between delusional certainty and fact based reality.

Making a Commitment: I had been schooled to get it just right, to find the right way to meditate. The truest mode of practice, did I log enough meditation time and was it the right type. How sincere was I? When I saw the evidence that making sense of the world actively lowers stress hormones and just feels better-I didn’t have to become a conspiracy theoriest-I needed to commit and trust what was enough for me.

The result was that I let myself trust that this good enough accompaniment of myself was good and enough. If I had faith in my own ability to accompany myself as splotchy and unsteady as it felt, then it was working. It absolutely made a difference! And it didn’t matter if someone else didn’t judge it as stellar and worthy of enlightenment. I did. My stress levels fell and I expereinced this beautiful thing called confidence.

Earning my Trust: Over the years, I’ve made a vow to love and care for myself, no matter what. When I embrace my own kindness and purity, I see that no matter what others think of me, I know who I am. I can offer this sense of strength to myself. And that’s confidence. I can’t control how others see me or how much they value me, but I have power in myself. I stand here, knowing my worth and supporting myself.

That is my strength. I still get rattled, do things and find myself thinking, oh no. Someone’s going to have feelings about this! And then I can come back to myself again and again to comfort, reassure, and to let myself know that I see my own worth. I make my vow and and again. You are loveable just as you are. I love you. It’s ok to make mistakes. Everytime I do this. I step into power. I am not alone. I have my cheerleader with me always.

Taking the Plunge: What do you want to commit to? What are you ready to promise to yourself? To show up? To care? What needs to change for you to trust in yourself? What if it’s nothing…but willingness.