Anxiety, hello again.
So, I got back earlier this week from a life changing experience in Bali. I know, what a cliche that it was in Bali, the place where people go to find themselves. I was at a Nonviolent Communication International Intensive Training, (IIT) that brought together a diverse group of humans from all over the world, about 125 of us together for nine days of learning, getting real, feeling feelings, learning how to tell our truth and living in the ideal that all of our needs matter. We lived and practiced creating a community where all of us mattered and we cared about each other–we made a safe world. For me, this was the first time I felt absolutely seen, respected, cared for and SAFE. I have never experienced this profound sense of being ok, being loved as I was and seeing myself as loveable. A belonging so deep, that I could relax into this safety in a way I have never before. Ever.
All this helped me come home feeling more grounded and at home in my life having the felt sense of what its like to be me and not have to hide or defend. I had more confidence and love, happiness, and peace. And then…I needed to reply to a PR company’s questionnaire and list my social media accounts and how many followers I had and there it was, embarrassment at my 33 Instagram followers who are family members and people who are obliged to follow me. So there’s the shame, the anxiety, the doubt.
I started losing myself in my thoughts, “Celia, you don’t know what you are doing! You suck at social media and don’t know the difference between a post and a story and everything keeps disappearing and you can’t learn this because you resist spending time on it and you’re too old and now you won’t get publicity for your book and they are going to judge you because your social media is so lame and why can’t you just share like millions of people in the world? Or say, social media is not for me and be strong? Why are you choosing to torment yourself and feel inadequate when it’s a choice! You are supposed to know this! That is a small sample.
Social media is scary for me. I get terrified that it’s too personal, too much, or I will get those trolls who say really mean things and because I am sensitive, I’ll obsess and then won’t be able to sleep thinking I offend people and that someone hates me even though they don’t know me well enough to hate me for real reasons. I am unlikeable or they will ignore me or, or….then I remember Bali. Where I learned that it’s ok to need other people. It doesn’t mean I am a burden and needy to ask others to contribute to me. It’s ok if I don’t organize things well. I love to create things, but I need support in the details. I am not the tidy one who makes the spreadsheets and compiles the data. I need a roadie! I need help, people! Ahh. it feels so good to say that. Bringing my truth and risking being seen is what helps me heal the anxiety that is so ancient and afraid of disappointing someone else, or not living up to the idea of being an author who gets shit done.
We are wounded in relationship and we heal in relationship. I know my experience of safety helped heal the part of me that has been searching to find where I belonged, where I could be safe in the world. It happened while the world was on fire. Violence was exploding in the Middle East, in Ukraine and the thirty other countries at war around the world.
I found that safety involves a risk, of being honest and saying what’s on my heart. It involves a world wide shift, dismantling the idea that only those who are deemed worthy deserve consideration. It takes apart notions of power and risks to believe that we are all capable of compassionate connection. When we are all safe, we feel it. My small acts of honesty make me safer, make me capable of the confidence to talk about how we can make all of us safe, all of us at home here in a world where we all matter.
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