“We can smile, breathe, walk, and eat our meals in a way that allows us to be in touch with the abundance of happiness that is available.  We are very good at preparing to live, but not very good at living.  We know how to sacrifice ten years for a diploma, and we are willing to work very hard to get a job, a car, a house, and so on.  But we have difficulty remembering that we are alive in the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive.  Every breath we take, every step we make, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity.  We need only to be awake, alive in the present moment.”               ~Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace is Every Step

“When you think everything is someone else’s fault, you will suffer a lot. When you realize that everything springs only from yourself, you will learn both peace and joy.” ~ H.H. The Dalai Lama

 

Dear Friends,

Recently, a man asked me how to add more joy to life without losing judgement and thinking everything in life is rosy? As we looked into this question, we spoke about the bias in our culture towards cynicism. We associate a negative, doubting outlook with intelligence. Those who see the good in situations and people are labeled as simple, naïve, and unsophisticated. We want to be smart and savvy, not simpletons. In our society, we believe it is safer and wiser to look with skepticism and see the worst in every situation, the rotten core in all apples. Psychologist and mindfulness teacher, Rick Hanson writes, “Your brain evolved a negativity bias that makes it like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones. Therefore, a foundation for happiness is to deliberately weave positive experiences into the fabric of your brain and your self.” This negativity bias is part of our evolutionary strategy. We remember what or who has hurts us with remarkable accuracy and detail, while the positive interactions are far less valued. Dr. Baumeister, a Professor of psychology at Florida State University, studied this tendency to grasp the negative and ignore the positive. His research showed that five positive interactions are necessary to mitigate the negative effects of one unpleasant experience.  He gave a remedy for this phenomenon in a 2002, NY Times interview, “Many good events can overcome the psychological effects of a bad one.”  This is not our natural tendency.

Adding joy and happiness sounds like an uphill battle against this natural negativity protection. It takes sustained effort to increase our happiness. This may sound counter-intuitive. We believe that joy and happiness are spontaneous creations. If the world offered us more joy, we’d be happier—right? If only my house was nicer, my car was better, my kids listened, then I’d be happy. But as we experience life and see others who have professional success, wealth, and all the conditions of happiness. We can see that above a basic life sustaining level, things don’t contribute to happiness. When we rely on  outside conditions to provide our happiness, we will be disappointed. The world is not responsible for our happiness. We are.

If you haven’t seen this wonderful documentary, I am, click on this link to access the film. In 2007, Hollywood director, Tom Shadyac, suffered a head injury that left him with post-concussion syndrome and severe depression. He set out to find out what is the truth about life:

“Shadyac found that more – in his case, a 17,000-square foot art-filled mansion, exotic antiques, and private jets — was definitely less.   “What I discovered, when I began to look deeply, was that the world I was living in was a lie,” he explains.  ‘Much to my surprise, the accumulation of material wealth was a neutral phenomenon, neither good or bad, and certainly did not buy happiness.’  Gradually, with much consideration and contemplation, he changed his lifestyle.  He sold his house, moved to a mobile home community, and started life—a simpler and more responsible life –  anew.”

Tom Shadyac also learned about the human capacity for kindness. Recognizing that all beings carry seeds of compassion, kindness, and love in them as well as hatred, ignorance, and greed, allows us to see that there is a choice where to place our thoughts. We can see only the bad, or only the good. But if we see that both exist together, we can encourage and work to grow the goodness in ourselves and others. Bringing joy to ourselves and others does not preclude the loss of common sense. We can see the balance. That is the middle way, the way of morality, concentration, and wisdom.

A practice that helps being more joy is the ability to relax and feel safe in our bodies. Relaxing and allowing the body to rest are not default modes. Usually during the day, we are doing tasks, trying to get things done, to earn our titles, our positions and income. Our bodies can carry all our busyness and stress. If we do not stop and allow the body to be quiet and safe, we perpetuate tension and agitation. All living beings need rest. To experience deep relaxation, find a comfortable spot to lie down, click on this MP3 of Total Relaxation offered by Sister Dan Nghiem. This is a body scan where we practice softening and sending gratitude to all parts of the body. When we rest, and come back to ourselves, we give our bodies and minds the opportunity for healing. When we feel safe and relaxed we can experience joy. We cannot feel tension, worry, and joy at the same time.

Thich Nhat Hanh tells us we need to spend time relaxing every day, so we can be fresh and lovely for ourselves and others. This is not a Pollyanna feel-good practice. This is a source of strength, so we have the capacity to be present for the non-joyful stuff in our lives and the world. We need to cultivate joy to have the resilience to be fully present with the suffering. This is not a recipe to exclude our pain and discomfort—but to include both aspects of existence. Joy and happiness only arise if there is space in our lives and in our bodies. Our emotions are not separate from our physical state. This week I invite you to ask, how can I make room for joy in my life? Enjoy finding your answer.

 

With three breaths,

Celia